What is the “Threenager Phase”?
The ‘Threenager phase’ is a common term used to describe the developmental stage when children around three years old begin asserting their independence, expressing strong emotions, and exhibiting challenging behaviors. While it’s often associated with three-year-olds, this phase can start earlier than age three and sometimes extends into age four.
Parents may feel like their child has suddenly become defiant, but the real reason lies elsewhere: the child is trying to show that they are their own person. They strive to assert themselves and demonstrate their autonomy. The essence of this phase can be summed up in phrases like “I’ll do it myself” and “I decided this.” However, because children at this age can’t fully satisfy all their desires independently, a conflict often arises between “I want to do it myself” and “I’m capable of doing it myself.”
This phase lays the foundation for critical personality traits that will shape the child’s future. During this time, the groundwork is being set for whether the child will grow into a self-reliant individual or someone who is hesitant and dissatisfied with life. The ‘Threenager phase’ is an inevitable process, and the main goal for parents is to help their child navigate through it.
This developmental stage brings significant changes to a child’s life, and it’s understandable that this can be a tough period for parents. However, it’s important to remember that it’s even harder for the child. Parents are their child’s primary support system, and only they can truly help. As adults, they have more experience and emotional resilience. That’s why it’s essential for parents to stay calm, no matter how challenging it might feel at times.
7 Key Signs of the ‘Threenager Phase’
✅ Negativism
Negativism is the refusal to comply with any adult requests, constant objections, even when it’s against the child’s own interests. A child displaying negativism rejects something solely because it was suggested by you—the parents.
It’s crucial to distinguish negativism from disobedience. Disobedience can occur at an earlier age and typically stems from a child doing something they genuinely want, even when an adult forbids it. Negativism, on the other hand, arises when the request originates from an adult. The refusal in negativism is rooted in the child-adult relationship rather than the context of the situation.
For instance, imagine you’re at a gathering with other children, and they’re all playing and having fun. You tell your child, “It’s time to go home,” and they respond, “No, I don’t want to go; I want to keep playing.” This isn’t negativism because the child genuinely enjoys the activity and has valid reasons to want to stay.
Now consider this: you notice your child sitting bored and not engaging with anything. You tell them, “It’s time to go home,” and they respond, “No, I don’t want to go home.” This is negativism because the refusal arises not from the situation itself but from the fact that the suggestion came from an adult.
✅ Stubbornness
This is how a child reacts to their own decision. They insist on something not because they truly need it, but simply because they’ve already decided they want it. The goal here, as with negativism, is the same: to demonstrate their independence and autonomy. The difference is that in one case, it’s about rejecting something just because you suggested it (“I’m not doing it because you told me to”), while in the other, it’s about enforcing their own will (“I’m doing this, and you’re going to do it too, BECAUSE I SAID SO”). The child wants their personality to be respected, especially by their parents.
For example, you ask your child which color socks they want to wear, and they say “green.” At that point, no other color will do. If you find out there are no clean green socks or you don’t have any at all, they will refuse every other option simply because they’ve already said “green.”
✅ Whininess
Whininess is similar to negativism and stubbornness but has its own unique traits. While the first two stem from clear reasons (not wanting to go home or insisting on green socks), whininess can happen for any reason. It’s marked by excessive demands and unpredictable behavior.
For instance, your child asks you to bring them some water. You bring it, but then they say it had to be in their cup. You go back, pour the water into their cup, but then they say the water is the wrong temperature.
✅ Independence
At this stage, your child wants to do things on their own, even tasks they aren’t yet capable of mastering. This is somewhat similar to the independence seen during the one-year-old phase, but back then, it was more about physical independence. By age three, it’s about deeper psychological independence, intentions, and plans.
They won’t ask for your help and might even refuse it when you offer. Remember, for a child, the phrase “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” is incredibly important.
✅ Protest
During the ‘Threenager phase,’ it’s incredibly important for a child to feel that their opinions are heard and taken seriously. When this doesn’t happen, the child may unconsciously create situations where they hope to gain recognition and respect. They start protesting against everything with one main goal: to draw attention to their opinions.
✅ Devaluation
The child begins to lose appreciation for things that were once important or meaningful to them. This could manifest as criticism toward adults or a different attitude toward their favorite toys, clothes, or food. Suddenly, the gift they dreamed about becomes “ugly,” “not the right one,” or “not important.” The soup you made is now “awful,” even if they loved it yesterday. This devaluation is often directed at the adults who spend the most time with the child.
✅ Despotism
The child attempts to assert control and wield power within the family. If there are siblings, this often manifests as jealousy, expressed through aggression and competition for parental love and attention.
Everything has to go the way the child decides. The underlying message here is “I’m in charge,” not you. For example, if the whole family plans to go to the park, but the child wants to go to the river, then they expect everyone to go to the river. If they decide that Mom should go to the store, then it must be Mom, not Dad. If their demands aren’t met, you can expect a dramatic tantrum to follow.
Practical Tips on How to Handle It
The first and most important piece of advice is to establish consistent rules when raising your child. Everyone involved in the child’s upbringing (parents, grandparents, nanny) should be on the same page. There should be no situations where, for example, Mom doesn’t allow sweets, but Grandma shows up with a bag of chocolates and gives them all to the child.
By sticking to consistent rules, your child will have far fewer opportunities for manipulation, and as a result, fewer reasons to throw dramatic tantrums or label someone as “bad” just because they enforce boundaries.
In the previous post, we discussed the seven key signs of the ‘Threenager Phase.’ Next, I’ll share detailed tips on how to handle each of these behaviors.
How to Deal with Negativism?
✅ Offer Choices Whenever Possible
When dealing with negativism, it’s important to offer your child choices—but make sure both options work for you and are realistic to follow through on.
For example:
- “Should we go home now or after we finish our tea?”
In this case, you’re going home either way, but the child gets to decide when. - “Do you want porridge or pancakes for breakfast?”
You’re offering options that you’re prepared to make. If you ask an open-ended question like, “What do you want for breakfast?”, the child might request something you can’t provide, and refusing could lead to a tantrum. Thinking one step ahead is key! 🙂
✅ Give Advance Warnings
Set time limits for activities ahead of time and give your child reminders as the time approaches.
For instance:
- “You can watch cartoons for 30 minutes,” and then set a timer.
- 5 minutes before the time is up, say, “You have 5 more minutes to watch, and then we’ll turn it off.”
Let the child be involved in setting the timer—they can press the button, which helps them feel engaged. Using visual aids like a 5-minute sand timer can also help.
Transitions become smoother when the child knows what to expect. For example, being warned about turning off the TV or leaving for an outing feels more manageable than if it happens suddenly. Imagine how you’d feel if you were caught off guard in the same way!
✅ Minimize Prohibitions
Reserve “no” for things that are genuinely dangerous or harmful. When the word “no” is used sparingly, it carries more weight, and the child is more likely to listen.
When you do say no, try to offer an alternative:
- “You can’t play with this, but you can play with this instead.”
Always explain the reason behind your boundaries. For example, “You can’t touch the stove because it’s hot and might burn you.”
This approach helps children understand your reasoning and feel less frustrated by restrictions.
How to Deal with Stubbornness?
✅ Offer Choices
Just like with negativism, to avoid stubbornness, it’s important to frame your questions in a way that offers only options you can fulfill.
For example:
“What color socks would you like to wear, pink or yellow?”
✅ Engage in a Dialogue to Help the Child Realize Their Behavior or Desire is Unreasonable
If the child insists on something impractical, like choosing dirty socks, avoid outright saying “no.” Instead, ask questions that guide them toward understanding why their choice isn’t suitable.
For example:
“I see you want to wear the green socks, but they’re dirty right now. I think they wouldn’t feel comfortable to wear, and they might smell bad. What do you think? Should we wear them now?”
Or:
“The green socks are dirty today, but you can help me wash them so you can wear them tomorrow. For today, let’s choose from these options. What do you think of that idea?”
Often, the child will make a more reasonable choice because you’re not being confrontational. Without a firm “no,” they feel less inclined to dig in their heels, allowing them to think more logically.
How to Deal with Whininess?
✅ Ask Questions to Differentiate Between Whining and Genuine Needs
For instance, if your child refuses a bottle of water and insists on a cup, ask:
“Why do you want to drink from a cup instead?”
If they can calmly explain a valid reason, it’s not just a whim but a genuine preference, and you should accommodate it.
✅ Use Toys to Demonstrate Examples
If the child’s response is vague or purely stubborn, such as “Because I said so”, use toys to shift the focus and encourage cooperation.
For example:
“Archie, do you want to drink water from the bottle? Yaroslava doesn’t want it. Here you go, Archie, drink up!”
Often, the child will say something like, “Okay, I’ll drink from the bottle after all.” Then, you can reinforce their decision with positive feedback:
“Good choice! I’m glad you decided to drink from the bottle—I’d do the same!”
✅ Teach Your Child to Be More Specific with Their Requests
Help your child understand the importance of being clear about their needs. For example:
“Next time, when you ask for water, please let me know if you’d like it in a bottle or a cup. That way, I can get it just how you want.”
By encouraging clear communication, you help your child express their desires in a constructive way, reducing frustration on both sides.
How to Handle Independence?
✅ Encourage Independence
It’s important to support your child’s independence in all safe ways. This reduces their urge to express it through risky behavior. Involve your child in small tasks, thank them for their help, and make them feel valued. When they assist you, it builds their self-esteem—“Wow, I helped Mom! She couldn’t have done it without me!”—and strengthens your relationship while boosting their confidence.
What can your child help with?
Ask them to bring something light and unbreakable or to throw something away in the trash. When time allows, involve them in cooking. For example, give them a safe, child-friendly knife so they can help chop vegetables alongside you. Always praise their efforts and emphasize their accomplishments—whether they chopped the vegetables, got dressed by themselves, threw away the trash, or washed their hands.
How to Handle Protests?
✅ Respect Your Child’s Individuality
It’s crucial to acknowledge that your child is a person with their own opinions and decision-making abilities. Ask for their input on matters like what clothes to buy, where to go for a walk, which toy to bring, and—when possible—fulfill their wishes or offer suitable alternatives.
For example, my daughter Yaroslava went through a phase where she only wanted to wear pink. She had a favorite pink dress that she didn’t want to take off, and she refused to even look at other colors. Instead of forcing her to wear something else, I embraced her choice. We went shopping together, and she picked out a few more pink outfits. From that point on, we’ve shopped for clothes and shoes together so she can choose what she likes and will actually wear.
Eventually, her pink obsession faded, and her wardrobe is now more diverse. If I hadn’t respected her opinion about pink early on, I’m sure the protests about clothes would have persisted, and getting ready for outings would still be a nightmare! 😁
✅ Help Your Child Feel Important
Assign your child small, regular household tasks so they feel responsible and valued for their contributions. Always thank them for their help to reinforce their sense of significance.
How to Handle Devaluation?
✅ Don’t Engage in Arguments
When your child starts dismissing everything as “wrong” or “not good enough,” stay calm and avoid arguing. If they claim a toy is “not right,” simply acknowledge their opinion without debating it. There’s no need to remind them, “You’re the one who wanted it in the first place.” Give them time—what they dislike today might be different tomorrow.
Toys can also be helpful in these moments. For example, if they say their soup or oatmeal is “not good,” suggest offering some to a toy nearby. This can encourage them to reconsider their opinion and may even lead to a change of heart.
How to Handle Despotism?
✅ Learn to Compromise on Non-Essential Matters
Teach your child to think critically, make choices, and understand the consequences of their decisions. Look for compromises and offer options while explaining the potential outcomes of each. Before insisting on your way, take the time to discuss the situation with your child. Share your concerns and reasoning, and consider what would happen if you went along with their choice.
Sometimes, giving in on non-critical matters shows your child that their perspective is valued and helps build mutual respect.
✅ Teach Your Child to Politely Express Their Wishes
Explain to your child the importance of using the word “please” when making requests and expressing their desires calmly, not through yelling or commanding tones. Make it a family rule that politeness is non-negotiable.
For example:
- “If you express your wishes calmly, we’ll discuss them and try to fulfill them.”
- “If you shout, try to boss us around, or act aggressively, your request will not be granted.”
Your example is crucial here. Reflect on how requests are made in your family. Do you consistently use “please” and “thank you”? If not, pay attention to this and model polite behavior yourself. When your child sees this as a family standard, they’ll naturally adopt it.
Consistency and leading by example are the keys to helping your child learn respectful communication.
